Monday, March 19, 2018

What it’s like when I lose myself





I go away for a little bit 
Not sure how long as each time is different 
I don’t always know that I’m lost and neither do you 
A change in hair color, attitude, and I see the world through a whole new view 

It’s me, but it’s not. It’s another version of me
Lost in my own head
Not wanting to confront what hurts me 
And makes my insides feel dead

When I’m lost like this and another “me” takes 
Over to help me cope and deal
That’s when I really have trouble deciphering 
What is actually real 

I’m not sure how many times I’ve been lost
I know that it is more than I can count 
I don’t always know I’m gone as it always 
Depends on how severe the bout

It feels like being on autopilot without
Ever learning how to fly 
Sit back, relax and try to enjoy the ride
So hard to do when you’re so lost inside

My brain doesn’t do this to hurt or confuse me
It protects me and hides me away 
From the traumas and demons that 
Haunt me every single day

Over the years I have learned what it’s like to
Lose myself and how I find my way back 
Sometimes it’s quick, while other
Times I’m so lost and so very sick

I’m not like most people, I know that now and 
Am completely aware; until stress, a trigger, a 
Traumatic event, and then I’m gone again
Struggling for my own air

My illness is real and so am I
I’m not scary or vindictive, I love more than most
I lose myself and go into hiding sometimes 
While another “me” plays host

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