Sunday, April 9, 2017

No one in my family talks about mental illness



What's worse 

Having a nervous breakdown and not knowing it, spiraling down into a black hole of psychosis, dissociation, mania and bouts of debilitating major depression for over 8 years. Stuck way down deep into the abyss of your own mind. 

Or

Realizing that your family knew that you were in this hole hurt, and suffering but left you alone in the dark without any help, without a ladder, or rope or any way out...nothing left for you to help you get out and escape this dark hole...they left you in the hole, alone and covered it up

I can personally tell you - they are equally as bad and as painful, I don't think I could pick which one hurt me more

Let's flip a coin...
Tell her
Don't tell her 

Is it really that easy? 
Did I really not matter? 
Is it really that hard to talk about?
Did no one really give a shit about me?
Was this hole where you left me acceptable by your standards? 
Did you think I could get out by myself, without help? 

I guess it was easier to hide it away, just as I have hid my own self away as I struggle to find air and breathe in the dark and scary abyss of my own tortured mind. 

I'm awake now and I realize I'm still in this hole, I know you left me here, and it hurts that you would just leave me like that. 

As I go through this awakening and try to save myself, I still feel as if I can't talk about it - no one wants to hear about where I've been, how I got down so deep into this hole. They just want to cover it up, and forget that I was swallowed up and left alone, in the dark. Forgetting about the hole and that I'm in it - Well, I can't do that anymore. 

I'm here
I'm in this dark hole
It's scary
And I hate it

Can you hear me yelling now
Can you hear me from this hole

No one in my family wants to talk about my mental illness 

It's not fair and It's not right 

I matter

I know that now 

 I have to fight for myself because no one else is fighting for me and no one is fighting with me, and this is the biggest fight of my entire life. This hole is deep, dark, and scary

I was forgotten because no one in my family talks about mental illness 

I would've checked on me
I would've called me
I would've fought for me 
I would've helped me
I would've loved me 

I would have left a ladder to help myself out of the dark abyss of my tortured mind, had I known how sick I was, had someone, anyone just told me - because you knew, after all you watched me fall into the hole and you ran the other way

I know how sick I am now 

I still don't have a ladder out of this hole, but slowly, I'm clawing my way out of the dark and I don't want your ladder because I know now that it's broken 

1 comment:

  1. Brave. Truth. Bold. Strength. Inspiring. Beautiful. Loved. ~ Jess Xo

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