Wednesday, August 17, 2016

My life with complex PTSD

I don't take anything for granted when it comes to the "what ifs" in life. You know the "what ifs" right? 

Those "what ifs" are what keep you from sleeping, they keep you from enjoying your life, they keep you guarded, and in your mind they keep you safe, because you've had enough of those "what ifs" turn into "yeah that happened" moments and you're more than all set with having anymore. 

I am that person that the "what ifs" have control over and I wish they didn't but they do. 

I try to push them away in my mind when they start attacking me for thinking I can try something new or for dreaming about something I want, but the "what ifs" are strong willed like a toddler that wants what they want, and the "what ifs" want me to stay safe and guarded. 

They will show you just exactly what could happen if you don't listen to them. A constant slideshow of events in my mind, playing over and over again, the only thing is, there is no way to shut it off. It's on repeat and when I give in to the "what ifs" then that's when they'll push pause. They are fully prepared and ready to push play at their will. 

It's a constant battle with the "what ifs" in my mind. They push and bully the "but I can try" until it finally gives up and have agreed that the "what ifs" are right. 

The "what ifs" are sneaky and manipulative, they only want you to see their view, so they turn everything into impending doom or a catastrophe. 

It's scary and you believe them, you don't want to but your "what ifs" have never failed you before, because after all your  "what ifs" have turned into "yeah that happened" too many times for you to ignore them. 

The control my "what ifs" have over me is debilitating and I hate to admit that, because then that means they win. 

They've been in control for so long that I don't know how to live without them, but if I sit here and think about a life without them for too long, they'll be sure to reign me back in. 

That's my life with complex PTSD

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