Monday, August 8, 2016

Thank you to my daughter's autism

You know that saying that people say, yeah I know, people say a lot of things.

"Everything happens for a reason"

"Don't ever think it can't happen to you"

"You were born to do this"

"No one else could do it"

But here's the thing, there are others doing it that were obviously born to do the same thing, and yeah I'm sure none of us ever did think it would happen to us, but it did and I personally don't believe that there needs to be a reason. 

Autism doesn't discriminate 

Autism doesn't care how much money you have, what kind of car you drive, whether or not you have supportive family or friends or not and autism sure as hell doesn't care what your ethnic, religious, or cultural background is. 

Autism doesn't discriminate 

So why do we? 

My child is amazing, truly freaking amazing. She is everything that I want to be. When I'm tired and I think that there is just not one more day that I can push through, I look at her progress and I push myself to push on through. 

2 years ago on this day, my husband and I drove 2 hours away to have a specialist confirm what we had already suspected...autism had chosen our child.

Getting any kind of diagnosis is a shock, nothing prepares you for it, and if you think you are prepared, well that preparation crumbles in the wake of a specialist looking at you and telling you that there's something wrong. 

When it comes to your child, the last thing you want to hear is that there is something wrong. 

I cried

I grieved

I got angry

These emotions of sadness, fear, and anger, well they lasted for more than over a year for me, and on the days that I had thought I had settled up with those emotions, they came back looking for more from me. A vicious emotional cycle of tug of war that I was really tired of fighting. 

I stopped fighting those emotions and I released them, I stopped blaming autism for choosing my child and I stopped the love hate relationship that I had with autism. 

I realized I was discriminating autism, not my child, but autism. I was treating autism poorly and making autism into something scary and wrong...why, because autism is different? 

As a parent of an autistic child, you are given the diagnosis and sent on your way, it feels like having been hired for a job without having experience and no training. 

But this new job is a hands on, learn as you go job. With time and so much patience, you get that on the job training and experience and you realize that you do have what it takes for this job and that it isn't as bad as you thought. You feel bad for discriminating autism and you accept and embrace it. 

Yes, different can be scary and we can be afraid of the unknown, but everything and everyone deserves a chance to show you just how beautiful different can be. 

Zoey's autism saved my life

Sounds silly and like I'm trying to kiss autisms ass for "likes" but it's true...autism saved MY life. 

If not for Zoey's autism I never would have woken up and embraced my own illnesses and I wouldn't be the mom I am today, not just for my kids, but as a person. 

So no, autism doesn't discriminate 

Autism chose me too

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