Monday, June 13, 2016

I lost myself along the way


In 2008 I got really sick

Put out of work indefinitely, and life forever changed for me and my soon to be husband. 

I used to think..."He never signed up for all of this!" 

I gave him an out, I told him that if this was too much, I would understand.

 I couldn't even imagine how hard it was on him. He became my caretaker. He helped me shower, he cooked, cleaned, and did the laundry and all the shopping....as I went for test after test after test. 

I cried a lot for me, but mostly him!

 I didn't want him to feel like a prisoner, and I guess after awhile of me telling him that it was okay, that he could just leave, well I got an answer from him that I did not expect. 

He looked at me and said "you are my dream girl, and I love you no matter what. I'm not going anywhere!"

We were married in 2009 and we  planned on having kids, two kids, just two. 

 In 2011 our beautiful Anna was born via emergency c section. 

In 2012 our beautiful Zoey was born, also via emergency c section.

 Not our plan, but we quickly realized that our plans didn't always go as we envisioned. 

When Zoey was 21 months old and we got her tested and finally a diagnosis of ASD, SPD, Dyspraxia of Speech, and Global Developmental Delay...well, we definitely didn't plan on that either. I remember my husband carrying Zoey as we silently walked to the Hospital elevator, we walked in and watched as the elevator doors shut, I looked at my husband and I asked "I don't know what to do?"

My husband looked at me as he held our child and I will never forget what he said!

"It changes nothing!"

This is when I realized that my dear sweet husband loved us, all of us unconditionally. 

I went through one of many bouts of depression, something I've lived with for 20 years. I started to experience extreme weight gain, insomnia, and I was tired ALL THE TIME!

My blood pressure became so high, that at one point I was in the ICU of the Hospital. I went on Blood pressure meds immediately. Then my throat started closing up, further testing would show that I had sleep apnea and was given a cpap machine.

WOW! 

I wasn't living my life, my life was living me! 

I had to do something, I couldn't leave my husband to do this all by himself. 

"What would my family do if something happened to me?"

It kept me up at night!

 I am Anna and Zoey's mama, but I am also Zoey's caretaker...something that hit me over the head like a heavy brick. I couldn't let my husband and my kids down, I couldn't leave my husband to be a widowed single Dad, and I couldn't leave my girls without a Mom!

I've been sick with numerous illnesses my entire life, I'm not afraid of surgery. I'm actually kind of a pro at it! I grew up in hospitals, my childhood was, getting used to Doctors and Nurses and big long words that I didn't understand and couldn't even spell! From the age of 3 and now at 37 years old, I have had over 30 surgeries to save my life, but this last one was the most important, not just for me but for my husband and my girls. 

I made the decision to undergo weight loss surgery. I know, I know, some would probably think and say "Oh you chose the easy way out!" I can assure you that there is nothing easy about this type of surgery, and there is nothing easy about making this decision.

 I need to be around for my family, I want to be around for my family. 

I went and did all the classes, and followed up with my Doctor's and Surgeon's orders, I started my weight loss journey in February 2015 and on August 24th I went in and had a gastric sleeve surgery, also known as a sleeve gastrectomy. 

I had lost 75 pounds by March 

No more blood pressure medicine, no more sleep apnea machine, and down 75 pounds. I did it for them, not realizing that I did it for me too! 


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