Monday, August 10, 2015

What happens to her if something happens to me?

Getting any diagnosis makes you think, those thoughts that are hidden so far in the back of your mind, well they quickly jump to the front of the line in your mind. It's all you think about, you try to stop thinking about them, but like an anxious teenager waiting in line for a roller coaster, they skip to get closer to the front of the line.

After our youngest daughter Zoey was diagnosed with Autism, Dyspraxia of Speech, Sensory Processing Disorder, and OCD, well that anxious teenager cut and was right in the front of the line. 

What was so important, to have to cut all other thoughts to be front and center and be the first in line in my mind...."What happens to her if something happens to me?"

I'm her Mother and now her caretaker, her future is still yet unknown. We don't know how or if she will ever be able to live independently, and it terrifies me. Who will take care of her if something happens to me, who will care for her when I'm gone? 

I'm not going to lie, it is all I think about. It is front and center in my mind and it gets more and more anxious as time goes on. 

I'm not just Zoey's Mom journaling her story and success, I'm a Mom that is going through my own life with struggles of my own. 

I'm starting a new journey in my life, well I actually started in February. With the many health problems I have, I consulted with my Doctor back in February and I have been taking classes and getting insurance and paperwork finalized, So that I can have a medically necessary surgery to be healthy and be around a long time for not just Zoey, but for my whole family. This is one of the hardest things I will ever do and it is a complete lifestyle change...but I'm ready! 

At the end of August, I'm going in for a Sleeve Gastrectomy. Yes, Bariatric Surgery. It is considered medically necessary due to my sleep apnea, high blood pressure, and being obese. 

I'm fighting so hard to make sure that Zoey is getting all of the therapies and seeing all the Doctor's and Professionals that she needs to be happy and healthy, it made me reevaluate my own life. I don't want to have to wonder "What will happen to her when I'm gone?" So now I can speak up and tell that anxious thought "Please go back to the end of the line, no cutting!"

I'm taking the steps to make sure that I'm happy, healthy, and around for a long time. 

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